My Story of Heartbreak – by Kay Anja
(Please visit my sister site to see that my story does not end here.  I have experienced great healing and so can you.)  

My story of heart break has a universal theme.  It includes emotional abuse, betrayal, and loss of my sense of self.

I gave my heart totally to my love and he took what I considered to be gold and dishonored it to the point that I felt annihilated.  For me, it was an inconceivable betrayal.  

I met my husband while we were both in college.  He was my first love and after dating for some time, we were married.  Sadly, he was unfaithful both during our courtship and marriage.  He attempted to hide his multiple affairs from me, but like many women who do not want to deal with this reality, I continued to deny and ignore his behavior. 

I was intent on making an ideal home for him.  I thought if I excelled at my corporate job, made lots of money and created a beautiful home, he would change and choose to devote his heart and attention 100% to me. 

I loved him like I’d loved no one else.  I was willing and eager to do anything for him.  I became like a faithful dog.   I remember many nights literally sitting at his knee, hoping for any sign of affection or acknowledgement, which I was continually denied.

I was a high ranking official at the corporation where I worked and was highly respected.  My husband, however, was not equally motivated.  He told me, he “didn’t want to work that hard.”  At the same time,  he was never satisfied with the significant income I brought home.

I thought that if we remodeled our home he might be happy.  I was trying to decorate the outer costume of our relationship because I couldn’t seem to fix the inner wounds. 

We ended up completing a six figure remodeling project, but again, I was the driving force and the one responsible for all the results.  He was never available to meet with the contractors and left it all to me.  I made all the decisions from where the outlets would be placed to developing the handmade and painted tiles.  

During the most significant parts of the remodeling, he was “out of the country” and not available to me. 

I later learned he was not out of the country at all, but with his girl friend and only fifteen miles away!    My well pump went out, I had no water and yet I had two horses to take care of.  It was winter.  I was living in a house with a single bulb in the kitchen and a laundry sink in the kitchen with two garden hoses running into the basement for water. 

At the same time, I was running a $100 million business, and taking care of three dogs and two horses – all without any support from him. 

One Christmas Eve, I heard him speaking to someone on his cell phone. and my intuition told me something was wrong.    When I asked him who he was talking to, he informed me “it is none of your business”.  He was no longer even attempting to lie to me.  Slowly, I let go of my denial and started to see clearly what was happening. 

In February of the following year, I found his second cell phone and learned that he had texted his “none of my business”  friend the message:  “I love you.”

I filed for divorce one month later and eighteen months after that our divorce was finalized.  People can say I was wrong for staying with him,  knowing about his propensities and previous affairs, but to me, he “hung the moon.”

 My love for him simply made me myopic to his real treatment of me and his flawed character.  I was living the “love is blind” theme to the max.

As I review our time together, I see how I had become what author Beverly Engel describes as “the disappearing  woman.”  In her book, “Loving Him Without Losing You:  How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself, “  author Beverly Engel describes the disappearing woman thus:

“A woman who tends to sacrifice her individuality, her beliefs, her career, her friends and sometimes her sanity when she is in a romantic relationship.” 

In my case that expanded to my dignity, my self esteem, and my belief in my own judgment.  I know now that when one is in an abusive relationship such as mine was, you not only lose your sense of self, you lose your belief in your own intuition.  Worse, you lose your belief that love can be supportive, trustworthy and SAFE.

As I take inventory of our time together, I see how devalued I was:  no recognition of birthdays, holidays, or special events and all the infidelities and lies.

One of the memories that stays in my memory bank is him pulling into the garage while on the cell phone with his latest fling.  Another is her calling him at home – both of them so unconscious to the effect their actions were having on another human being.

My wounded soul was weeping.  They were laughing.

Now, I clearly see that I was in love with an illusion.  I am happy to report that I no longer live in that illusion, that I have created a new and beautiful life for myself, that I have been blessed to have my heart healed (my story about that appears here), and that  I can now see clearly my own worth. 

My broken heart paved the way for new awareness, a new life, and surprising new love. 

My wish is that by sharing your story, you also, will transcend the heartbreak you have experienced and come to know that real, honest, safe and joyful  love does exist – and that you deserve to have it.

I look forward to YOUR story and also your healing.  You may email your story to me or post it online!

With Great Gratitude,
Kay Anja